Unite-to-Write

Bob Church, fellow writer and friend extraordinaire passed on April 29, 2009 after a lengthy battle with cancer. In going through my old files I came across an interview I did with Bob approximately 7 years ago. It is a timeless piece which at first brings a tear to the eye remembering the loss. But soon the man’s personality bursts forth on the page so bold and witty that all sadness takes leave and demands the reader savor the moment and smile. I hope you enjoy it as much as I.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, today our interview is one that almost scares me. If you are wondering whom I mean, well, look at the picture above. Pretty frightening, huh? Well, here is the man himself, Bob Church!

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Welcome to the Authors’ Corner, Bob! Let’s begin with our usual question. Would you like to start off by describing your life–where you live, family, etc.?

Yea, I’d like to, but since I’m in the Witness Protection Program, I’m forbidden from doing so.

Just kidding, I just wanted to see if you were paying attention… Actually, I’m currently in the process of moving from Topeka, Kansas to Quincy, Illinois. My boss has ‘requested my presence’ at the home office. He says it’s a promotion, but I still think it has something to do with my six-figure expense account.

I get paid for being a water treatment engineer, but it’s my secret wish to field test Vaseline. In fact, if my five kids would ever leave home, I still might. Louise, my beautiful wife of quite a few years (I think it’s either 27, 28, or 29, but I’m guessing) is still finding unique ways to keep us broke, so I guess I’ll have to keep trying to replenish the money tree.

Your wife is a very brave lady having you as a husband. Just kidding, but I don’t blame her for spending the money. The woman deserves something! I’m afraid to ask, but here is the next question. When you were a kid in school, what class “character” were you? By that I mean, the one who sold your homework, the one who threw chalkboard erasers around the room, etc.

Frankly, I didn’t have many friends. There was something about my insistence upon being addressed as “Your majesty” that put people off. In fact, if my mother didn’t tie a pork chop around my waist, I couldn’t even get the dog to play with me.

I was a jork, the most sinister of all high school personna (jock-dork). I think I still hold the record at my school for most time spent in detention… but that’s probably because I didn’t graduate until three months before my 23rd birthday.

LOL! Errr…you are kidding, right? Um, next question! What was your most embarrassing moment?

Well, there I was, all those beautiful women fighting over me, and I– Oh, wait, you said most embarrassing moment? I thought you said most embarrassing fantasy… Oh, Lord, there’ve been so many to choose from…

I guess it’d have to be the time in Vietnam when during an awards ceremony, our Commander tried to pin a medal on my shirt and stuck me in the chest with the pin. Without thinking, I hollered out, “Jee-zuz, a simple handshake would have sufficed!”

LOL! Way to go! If you could choose a song to best describe your philosophy, which one would you choose and why?

Well, I think it would have to be “The Nutcracker Suite” by Fyodor Tchaikovsky… no, wait…, make that “Bolero” by Ravel, because of its understated attempt to deflect attention from itself. No, darn it, that’s not it either…

Oh, I remember now… it’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”… for reasons so obvious, a prolonged explanation would be insulting. Life is short… get over yourself.

Why am I not surprised? Who makes you laugh?

Absolutely no one. I haven’t laughed in nearly forty years, ever since I was stolen by gypsies and forced to perform the Lambata while cracking nuts between the cheeks of my butt.

Okay, that’s a lie…

Lots of people make me laugh, some right here. I’m a sucker for Monty Python and I love Richard Pryor, Chevy Chase, George Carlin, Rodney Dangerfield and Steve Martin. Billy Crystal is hilarious when he does stand-up, as was the young Bob Newhart. I like Paula Poundstone’s humor and Seinfeld’s quirky New York schtick, but my all-time favorite is Robin Williams. He comes as close to the word ‘genius’ as anyone I’ve ever seen perform. He is simply the master. He could do thirty minutes on earwax, and an entire auditorium would be gasping for air.

I couldn’t agree more. To the aside, wouldn’t that butt cheek thing hurt? Um, never mind…When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

When you grew up where I did, the stock answer to that question was ‘anything that doesn’t involve prison’. But, from the time that I knew what a baseball was, I wanted to be a professional baseball player. And, if the war in Vietnam hadn’t reared its ugly head, I might have made it, too. I got 9 days in Phillies training camp before I was drafted. It is truly one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Gee, that’s kind of sad! In the same vein, next question…Most people don’t know that I ….(finish this statement).

was second runner-up in the Miss Colorado contest in 1966. (Okay, so I lied about that, too, but it’s more interesting than knowing that at one time I was the youngest commissioned officer in the Marine Corps.

That’s remarkable, not fibbing about running for Miss Colorado, that’s normal for you; I mean about being the youngest commissioned officer. That’s wonderful! You’re not fibbing, right? If you could spend time with any historical figure, with whom would you want to sit down and talk?

Easy question… Without a doubt, Samuel Clemens. The man had texture. He was smart as all-get-out, yet you’d probably never suspect it unless he wanted you to know it. Quite possibly the finest writer who ever stepped foot on the American continent, he was light years ahead of his time.

If Twain was too busy to see me, though, I’d like to talk to Richard Brautigan, the mad genius who wrote “Trout Fishing In America”. The ’60s were incapable of holding him, too. Or, if he’ll stay sober long enough, I’d like to pick the brain of Hunter S. Thompson.

Ah yes! Mark Twain! One of my favorites, too! Next question: What is your favorite book? Why?

Tough question… I think I’d have to say Stephen King’s “The Stand”. It was a classic venture into the age-old conflict of good vs. evil. In his version, the good guys don’t always win. Second would be “Childhood’s End” by Arthur C. Clarke. The probative nature of his vision is both startling and frightening.

I read the long version of “The Stand” last year. I kept thinking about who could play Randall Flagg in a movie version, and that congressman involved with Chandra Levy came to mind. Was his name Gary Condit? He is so spooky-looking and he even rides a motorcycle. Ah well, next question: Excluding sex, what rings your chimes?

Fat puppies and long walks in the rain… (Oh, wait, that’s the answer I put in the questionnaire I filled out for the Miss Colorado contest in 1966…)

I love the flavor and texture of Guinness Stout as it slides down my throat and I get goosebumps every time I hear Eric Clapton play those ultra-pure blues licks he so perfectly delivers. There’s a spot between my shoulder blades that only my wife knows about that will ease me to sleep. I have walls filled with framed pictures my children have drawn for me when they were little. I’ll never forget walking into a room and having my aging chocolate lab, Fudge, greet me with his tail wagging… even if I don’t have anything for him to eat.

Do you have any other comments you would like to make?

Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. I would challenge anyone who reads this to step outside themselves, in search of their craft. Don’t be afraid to take some chances… dare to be different. Keep a journal and rant, prosthelytize, gripe, use foul language or embarrassing situations for no other reason than to see if you can… free write anything that comes to mind. Why? Because it will help you grow… it will reveal parts of you that you don’t even realize exist. It will help guide you down whatever path you ultimately decide to travel, and it will help keep you un-blocked. If you can’t think of anything to write about, go to the default page on your computer, close your eyes and write down the first sentence your mouse pointer lands on. I promise you, if you’ll do this, one year from today you’ll be a clearer thinker and a better writer than you are right now.

Sound advice! Do you have some favorite authors here at the site?

Yea, I do… and I don’t care who knows it. If I leave you out of this list, it could mean that maybe I don’t have my drugs timed right now or that my Old Timer’s Disease is flaring up. In no particular order, I enjoy Kay Lee Kelly’s poetry, it has an elegance and depth that speaks to me personally. I very much like Nan Jacob’s children’s stories, Karen Heywood’s humanity, Judy Cross’s ability to create vivid characters, Billy Jones’ marriage of country and sophistication, Jo Janoski’s ability to create (and be consistent with) specific eras, Paula Hodges’ courage, Betty Lockey’s organization and structure, Eddie Bruce’s blending of language and situations, and Aaron Schmookler’s attention to his craft. There are also others I enjoy but can’t think of specific reasons why.

Very good! Do you have a list of favorite works at you have written?

I guess one of my favorites is “Seasons Beckoned Unto Night” because it helped me deal with some issues I struggled with upon the death of my father.

I also am very proud of “T.C.’s Place,” “Utterly Piquant,” “One-Tenth of a Dollar,” “Chatham’s Ubiquitous Dream,” “A Ferry Tale,” “Alder, Pine and Leonard McAuliffe,” “A Shot and a Pinkslip,” and “Diamondback Ridge.”

My poetry sucks, for the most part, I think. I seem to be stuck in the 1700’s, when words and structure meant as much as messages. These days, I’m disappointed with much of the poetry I read, because I sense little depth or sophistication in it. Too often, writers embellish the obvious rather than allowing the senses to carry the implicit. I’m learning, but I don’t think I’ll ever be very good at it.

Well, this has been an outstanding interview, a lively mixture of fun and substance. Thank you so much for giving us a glimpse into your world, Bob! …maybe try some Vaseline on your butt cheek injury…